"You don't run down the present, pursue it with baited hooks and nets. You wait for it, empty-handed, and you are filled."
– ANNIE DILLARD, "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek"
E w t
v a h
e n i
n t s
h t o
e o o
w r .
Do you like to be surprised by what the present moment brings?
Or would you rather know what's gonna happen?
These buttons do nothing.
But we do many things. Which may partly determine what happens in our lives.
Is that a relief?
"I don't know
my future after this weekend.
And I don't want to."
– BJÖRK, "Big Time Sensuality"
Well good for Björk! Do you want to hear her song? It's dancey.
It plays the music video on youtube.
There's a way in which I'm relieved by life's openness, and its ability to surprise me with present happenings that I never could have imagined. It challenges me to face things I wasn't even aware of, and to grow more than I even feel like growing. If my life were just up to me and all I ever lived were moments I had come up with, designed, or worked to make happen, it would probably be a nightmare, repetitive and dim. My own wants are actually pitifully small compared to what life has shown me is possible.
What has been stunning and startling is discovering change, especially within myself. Change that--by the time I notice it--is already in motion, taking me somewhere that I'll find out if I hang on and pay attention. I don't really understand how I become a different person continually, but I know that I do. I don't even know if I have a choice. Could I stay the same? Maybe not.
But trying the new thing still ties my stomach in knots. It is not all peaceful dancey happytime. It's not a fully reassured experience. I'm in situations I've never been in before, doing things I've never done before, and I don't know what's gonna happen.